I am a wreck. Is this normal? Henry is coming up on six months of age and at six months was when I was supposed to stop breast feeding. That was my goal. Six months. Done.
But now I'm not so sure.... Every time I think about it, I cry. Weep, actually. It's nuts!! Hormones?!?
I know it's time. My body is giving me hints. I am not quite producing enough anymore. I've started supplementing with formula (which is SO EXPENSIVE!!!). He likes it. Drinks it down. He's gaining weight more quickly. Dare I say it's been better for him?? Who truly knows. I will just die if he starts thriving better on formula than he did on his own mother's perfect concoction for him. But it could be true. He had fallen off the charts for weight/height/head circumference recently. Basically, he wasn't growing. I started pumping exclusively. Monitoring and recording every ounce into his tiny body. Added formula. He's getting back on track.
I think it's more about my sweet baby boy growing up. He's growing up and there is nothing I can do to slow it down. And would I want to? Every day is a new day with him. He managed to get a toe in his mouth yesterday. How cute is that?? New trick! The day before he could not do this.
It is so much fun to watch him discover and learn and grow and attempt new things. I feel saddened on the days I go through his closet and take the clothes off the hangers that have become to small, fold them, and put them in a box in the bottom of his closet. But I also can't WAIT till he discovers the next trick, or sit up, or eat a mushed up banana! It's weird. And I suspect every mother feels the same way.
"If I stop nursing, he won't need me anymore," I said to my husband through crocodile tears. He almost laughed saying back to me, "He'll always need you. He's a tiny baby." But behind these horrendous hormones I know that anyone will now be able to feed him with a bottle. Which will be GREAT!!! But also I lose this bond with him. Forever. These quiet sweet moments of cuddling, where just I will do.
I've decided to back away from the pump and just nurse my baby until I feel truly ready to wean. Until it slowly ends. I'll supplement with formula and slowly work up to just that. But will try and enjoy these last few weeks with him. And also try to embrace and look forward to what's ahead for both of us.
Henry, 5 months